That Time Kenny McCormick Fapped To Gay Hentai
by eshajouri
Summary: A story about how Kenny McCormick, a simple titties-adoring young man, deals with his first mancrush, and all the complications it causes in his life.
1. Prologue plus Chapter 01

**A/N:** hey! I just wanted to let you all know that this is supposed to be funny. I usually write angsty shit, so it's the first time I'm doing a multi-chapter with no death and disaster, and I'm having the _greatest_ time writing this, so I hope you enjoy, too! Also, the chapters won't be too long! This is a humorous piece with a simple story line. Please do keep in mind English is not my first language and this is unbeta'd, therefore mistakes, typos, etc. are my fault, but have fun! c:

**Disclaimer: **No characters, TV shows, movies, music or games mentioned belong to me.

**Warnings: **language, mostly, maybe some action *nudge nudge wink wink* aaand my music taste is extremely ordinary.

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><p><strong>That Time When Kenny McCormick Fapped To Gay Hentai<br>**(And Had His First Kind Of Non-Platonic Mancrush)

Compensating Butters For All The Bullshit We Put Him Through And Never Apologized For

**Track 00:** Corinne Bailey Rae – Put Your Records On

_Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright  
>The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same<br>Oh, don't you hesitate_

Well, Butters never had many friends.

And after some time, say when they were around 14 years old, Kenny started having a conscience, and that conscience demanded him to make up for all those years him and his friends bullied and pushed Butters around. He awkwardly tried to talk Stan and Kyle into this conscience thing, but they refused—well, they actually never listened in the first place; through the years, this weird ("no homo") super-best-friendship of theirs grew even stronger and they were kind of sucked into it, blocking out all the world around them. Kenny didn't even try convincing Cartman they owed Butters a lot, so he was completely alone in this quest, which he named "Compensating Butters For All The Bullshit We Put Him Through And Never Apologized For" (Kenny found that, if he named his tasks, it'd be easier to accomplish them. The only one he couldn't go successfully through was No Dying July, when he got killed by some fireworks that set his house on fire on 4th of July; he should have expected that anyway).

With said task set in his mind, Kenny asked Butters if he wanted to hang out, you know, play some video games or just talk and... stuff. Butters made a funny face, probably a weird mix of confusion and doubt, and asked where Stan, Kyle and Cartman were.

"I don't know, dude, but I think it'd be better if we hung out without them. I mean, you know, they're not exactly... _fond_ of you," Kenny scratched the back of his neck and realized what he just said, regretting it immediately. Damn, why doesn't his mind-to-mouth filter function properly? "No, I mean—"

"Wuh-well, neither are you, right," Butters interrupted, not rudely, not aggressively, but more matter-of-factly.

Damn. His conscience was about to kill him.

"No, man," he looked away, trying to find the right words, at least this time, because he _couldn't_ mess this up; it was his chance to get even with Butters and finally get is mind to calm the fuck down. "I mean, I know we never actually talked to each other, but you've done nice stuff for me. I want to make up for just screwing up when you were trying to be cool with us. For all the crap we put you through without a second thought."

"Nah," Butters smiled, discreetly rubbing his knuckles together. "I don't wanna force ya' to do anythin', Kenny. I-I don't mind, all that stuff's in the past now. But thanks offering anyway," he said with such a sincere tone in his Southern accent that made something inside Kenny stop working, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Gotta go now, my mom's gonna be real sore at me if I get home late. So see ya', Kenny."

And he walked off just like that, leaving Kenny with a gaping mouth. The only thought Kenny could muster was, _is Butters a fucking saint?_

The next day, Kenny invited him again. He wore fierce, determined eyes that Butters started worrying he had made Kenny mad. He was halfway of an apology when he gestured for him not to say anything.

"Before you say no," he began, and his eyes softened into something more affectionate. "You're a really nice dude, Butters. Too nice for your own good, actually, and don't think you're forcing me to do anything. I really want to hang out with you— and yeah, I want to get even with you, but that's not the only reason. You're nice and I know I told you just now but I want you to know it, like, _really_ know that you deserve better than the bullshit everyone always makes you go through everyday and that you're too good for this fucked up, redneck town. Also I'm sorry for not realizing this before, but you're someone I'd be lucky to be friends with, so— what? Butters... Butters, are you— are you _crying_?"

Butters' eyes were wide and all glossy; he realized that and wiped them with the sleeve of his turquoise shirt, maintaining the catatonic look he wore during Kenny's entire monologue when he looked back at him. He seemed kind of speechless and Kenny was beginning to worry he said something hurtful, but Butters finally smiled an awkward smile and rubbed his knuckles together.

"I-I'm just really happy th-that ya' think all that _of me_," he admitted wiping his eyes again, emphasizing that Kenny was actually talking about him. "I've always admired ya' for doing all those things for South Park, ya' know, as Mysterion, even though everyone just mistreated ya'. Boy! Y-ya' were amazing as Mysterion! Fightin' crime and all! All those cool moves ya' had, your cool lines! Even your Mysterion _voice_, it was unbelievable!—" he suddenly felt self-conscious about how he'd started gesturing too much, feeling kind of embarrassed and continued a little less enthusiastic but always honest, "A-anyway, I'm glad someone like _you_, Kenny, thinks all those good things about someone like me. If ya' think that, I-I'd be glad to be friends with ya'. Heck, even if ya' didn't!" he laughed, and Kenny couldn't help but laugh along.

Again, Kenny caught himself wondering if Butters was, indeed, a fucking saint. Otherwise, how could _anyone_ think so great of someone who – at best – ignored them for _years_?

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><p>It's Not Gossiping If No One Else Knows We're Doing It<p>

**Track 01: **The All-American Rejects – Dirty Little Secret

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret  
><em>_Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret  
><em>_(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)  
><em>_My dirty little secret_

Three years later, they are pretty much best friends. Though their social circles (if what Butters has can even be considered a social circle) are very much apart, they hang out after school and occasionally share secrets people tell them—for some reason, everyone seems to trust Kenny wholeheartedly, perhaps because even though he's pretty popular, he doesn't talk much, at least when he's not around Butters; he actually doesn't feel he _can_ talk without thinking too much around those people, so he opts for plain silence, unless he's spoken to. His friendship with Butters isn't a secret either, therefore less popular kids think they can trust Butters, too. Not that they can't, but he kind of feels pressured keeping secrets of and from people he doesn't know. Either way he doesn't complain since people won't bully him – who would ever dare? He knows their deepest and darkest secrets (and even if Butters would never spill anything, no one would put it to test) – and it gives him and Kenny plenty to talk about.

And they need a lot of things to talk about while walking home when Kenny doesn't have money for the bust anyway.

"Hey, man, thanks for always walking me home," he starts with an apologetic look. "It must suck having to walk so much when you could just catch a bus, but I'll get a job soon."

"Nah, don't worry," Butters smiles, adjusting his backpack. "Mom says I have to exercise anyway! Besides, I always wait alone in the bus stop so it's boring. I'd rather just walk home, at least I can talk with ya'."

Kenny smiles back at that, but it suddenly turns into an evil smirk. "Dude, Kyle got drunk last night. I had to stay home and study for the test today, but he kept texting me and called me saying he was done with Stan and his friendzoning."

"Friendzonin'?"

"Yeah, you know," Kenny shrugs, looking up at the sky. "It's when you like a girl – in your case it'd be a guy," Butters feels his cheeks heat with self-consciousness; Kenny was more than okay when Butters came out, but it never meant it was less embarrassing when Kenny said it so straightforwardly like this. "And they're all like, 'you're such a good guy, I wish all men were like you! Why can't I find someone like you! You're my best friend!' and shit. Basically they're saying, 'even though you're the man of my dreams we will never fuck either because you're not attractive or for some unknown and probably retarded reason and we'll always be just friends so don't even try'. It's some tough shit, man, tough shit."

"Th-that's cruel," Butters comments quietly with his ears still slightly burning.

"Don't you get it," Kenny says with that mischievous grin. "Kyle's totally into Stan!"

Butters looks at him with a confused look, "What? Ya' didn't know, Kenny?"

"What," he suddenly stops walking, looking at Butters stunned. "You mean Kyle told you and you didn't tell me!"

"N-no!" Butters gestures defensively. "D'ya really think Kyle would tell me before tellin' ya'? If ya' do, you're being silly, 'cause ya' were his friend since ya' were kids," Kenny nodded at that. "I just thought ya' had noticed it already!"

"Noticed _what_, exactly?"

"_It_," he says emphatically, gesturing with his hands in mid-air. "Th-the atmosphere 'round them! Kyle's eyes are always on Stan, and he never got himself a girlfriend! Sure he s-slept with a girl or another, but isn't it obvious, Ken? He gets moody when Stan misses school or when they can't hang out 'cause Stan's got a date. You said yourself Kyle gets all grumpy like a girl on her p-period and fights a lot more with Eric. But he gets all smiley when Stan's around, just like magic," he pauses, lowering his voice to almost a whisper. "He's completely in love with Stan. Always been."

Kenny doesn't say anything, just lets the information sink in and then frowns, "Don't say Stan's name so many times. It sounds weird."

"Didn't ya' hear anythin' of what I said!" Butters laughs and punches Kenny's arm lightly (Clyde often does it to Craig and says it's the bro-punch. Sometimes Kenny honestly wonders what kinds of damage Clyde's brain has suffered).

They resume their walking while their laughter dies out. Butters has this little smile on the corner of his lips; he likes to think how Kenny is really trust-worthy, but can still laugh about some things people tell him – specially when they are drunk – with Butters. The best time they ever had was when Cartman cried about how Wendy was such a hoe but he still loved her mindlessly last year, probably because both of them were present when that happened. Kenny actually thought they had all the right of spreading the word, but Butters wouldn't let him. He said Eric had trusted them and they shouldn't betray him. Kenny left the matter alone, though Cartman still picks on the subject once in a while to make sure he won't tell anybody; he's not such a confident asshole, after all. He's even nice to Kenny and Butters now – well, _nice_ meaning not spreading fake rumors about Kenny corrupting Butters and raping him or making him do drugs. Cartman is still Cartman anyway.

"You're quite the observer, huh," Kenny comments, more to himself than to Butters.

"What d'ya mean, Ken?"

"Like, I don't know, man, I never noticed all those things about Kyle. If anybody asked me, I'd probably say he's not interested in any girl 'cause he's too smart for them. I'd never imagine Kyle really had something for Stan. Besides their super-best-friendship."

Butters smiles and looks to the ground, unconsciously careful not to step on the lines that divide the sidewalk; he does that all the time, Kenny notes, and has always done since they were kids. He has this child-like thing that was never lost even through high school, which Kenny oddly finds adorable. Well, Butters has a lot of endearing things about him, like how he takes care of Kenny when he drinks too much – which fortunately doesn't happen too often, since it requires a party to be right after he fights with his old man (he only drinks at parties because it's _fun _and makes him forget about the rest of his life, but getting drunk all alone is kind of depressing and he tends to get even worse than before). Anyhow, Butters always lets him crash at his place, even helps Kenny puke if he needs it. Damn, even comforts him if he thinks bawling his eyes out will help getting things settled at his home.

"Ya' know what I think 'bout love and everythin'," he shrugs and shoots a glare at Kenny. "And don't ya' say anythin' 'bout it. Ya' know I think it's the most important thing."

"I'm sorry for that time, I told you already," he sighs. "Will you ever forgive me?"

Oh, _that_ time. Kenny always lets _that_ time slip away to the back of his mind, but Butters apparently enjoys— _insists_ on reminding him of their first fight. It wasn't even an actual fight, if they look back, it was just a stupid disagreement.

You see, Kenny has lived a lot. Not that he dies all the time; it even stopped around two, maybe three years ago (not that it makes any difference; no one noticed it anyway, and Kenny just gets to relax a little without worrying how horrible and gory will his next death be). It's just that he has a lot of experience, at least a lot more than Butters. He's done all kinds of drugs, gone to all kinds of parties, had sex with all kinds of girls and met all kinds of people at this point. With all that, one might lose his hope in love, probably in mankind in general; and Kenny just doesn't believe love can make things work out, doesn't even believe it truly exists at all. All his past relationships had gone wrong, even if he tried _hard_ to make it work or make up with love. Looking back, he knows those were just hormones and chemistry doing their job – which is fucking around with teenage heads. He's... skeptical, to say the least.

Butters, on the other hand, puts his heart completely on what he believes, which is this strange feeling of aching chest and dizzy head-ness. He says it's the most beautiful sensation when you long to see the person you like, even if it's just a crush that will go away soon. It may be ephemeral, but it's a sort of love anyway – it's what he said, only with less deep words. He believes on finding a soulmate, true love and things Disney movies usually sells to kids; and Kenny found it pretty stupid and that's what their disagreement was all about. They didn't talk for like, two days, until Kenny apologized for being thick-headed. Butters kind of pouted – that was endearing, too – and asked him not to mock his beliefs again. _I-if I'm not going to live by what I think is important, th-then what am I supposed to do?_ Kenny still thinks about those words. They agreed that none of them were right or wrong, but he can't help but contemplate that maybe, just _maybe_, he was a little more wrong this time.

"I've forgiven ya' already. Just wanna make sure ya' won't say mean things again."


	2. Chapter 02

**A/N: **Uhm, so... I guess I gotta tell you, there will be a lot of background (how things got to this point and stuff). And I'll post one chapter per week c: thanks so much for reading!

Also, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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><p>Kevin Stoley Accidentally Introduces Kenny McCormick To Gay Hentai And Says It's... Not Hentai<p>

**Track 02:** Avenue Q – If You Were Gay

_If you were gay, that'd be okay  
><em>_I mean 'cause, hey! I'd like you anyway,  
><em>_Because you see, if it were me,  
><em>_I would feel free to say that I was gay  
><em>_(But I'm not gay!)_

Kenny initially thought this evening would be a nice, normal evening. Him and Kevin are probably the only ones that are free to come and go in the Stotches' home, so their sleepovers consist, basically, on Kevin and Butters talking about trivial things and playing games Kenny accounts as boring, so he usually just lies down and reads the comic books Kevin generously brings along with him so Kenny has something to do until Butters falls asleep and they can play Dead Nation and stuff that scare the shit out of him. Kenny once asked why he plays Hello Kitty-related games when he likes zombies and blood so much; Kevin said it was just as fun, and Kenny attributed that to Kevin being half Asian, which probably makes him enjoy anything related to technology (and studies and geeky things in a very general manner). It relieved Kenny anyway, since Kevin wasn't just playing the nice guy on Butters, but was genuinely enjoying his time with him.

He feels pretty motherly thinking so; he _has_ to look after Butters (since he can't do it himself), but he learned to trust Kevin. He is a pretty good guy, one of those kids who opt for not belonging to any social group (though he is really good friends with Kenny, Butters and Clyde) and is pretty much a ninja, too. It's rare to see him at school – not that he isn't there, no, he _is_, but he isn't tall or outstanding, and moves really fast around people, so it's hard to tell whether he is there or has left. He doesn't feel bothered and pressured around other kids like Tweek; he simply chooses his PSP over them, which doesn't quite make sense in Kenny's head since everyone seems to not even dislike him, but Kevin has told him he is a simple-minded guy; he doesn't like conflicts and intrigues, bullshit high schoolers in general go through. They just don't realize they don't _have_ to, he said. Though he has been friends with Clyde since their childhood, he refuses to give in to this popularity thing. Clyde is the sticky type, and as their interests grew apart, he feels this need to include Kevin in his life as much as he can, but Kevin protests every time and absolutely refuses to go those cool kids' parties. He says he'd rather play games with Butters or read comic books than deal with all those drunk people, and that Butters is a far better person than anyone Clyde keeps trying to impress; the honesty Kevin holds in his voice is probably what allowed Kenny to trust him.

Kevin is acting kind of anxious today, though. Butters is taking an evening nap (he says it's Friday and he can sleep late today, so if he sleeps now they can stay up all night long and do lots of fun stuff!) and they are playing Mortal Kombat, but Kenny has won two times in a row – which is extremely odd, considering Kevin is a huge game freak and, well, _Asian_.

"Dude, are you okay?" he asks, putting the controller down. Kevin is still with is eyes fixed on the TV screen, as though he didn't even notice they'd stopped playing; Kenny noticed Kevin's character had stopped moving at some point, like he had given up (he thought he was just getting too good for Kevin to handle. What a pretty illusion, Kenneth), but his friend had a lost gaze on his face, kind of hypnotized. "Kev? Hey, are you—"

"Wha-what," he finally snaps out of his whatever-it-was, looking pretty confused. "What? What? I missed something?"

"Yeah, like, the _entire_ round? What happened? And, dude, don't say 'nothing' 'cause you were just staring at the TV as if it was the most beautiful thing in God's green earth and you couldn't look away. You were literally hypnotized."

"I was... just doing some thinking," he answers, a little too nervous to make it look like an innocent thinking.

"Thinking? Normally you barely _blink_ when we're playing Mortal Kombat. Sometimes I think you forget to even _breathe_," Kenny accuses with a little more disbelief than necessary, probably a little annoyed Kevin would lie so blatantly. He's at least _good_ at reading people, and Kevin knows it. "Look, you better think before you lie again. You know it pisses me off, specially if it comes from someone as close to me as you, so don't you fuck with me—"

"Okay, okay, calm down, man," he's a little taken aback by the tone Kenny uses, waving his hand dismissively. He finally puts the controller down, too, and suspiciously checks if Butters is still asleep. "Listen, I'm gonna show you what this... _thinking_ is about, okay? Just— don't laugh or anything. It's embarrassing. Seriously," his eyes have a warning aura, and Kenny just nods. It's really funny – and useful – how Kevin is easily impressible, Kenny notes mentally.

Kevin stands up to get his laptop and immediately connects with the Stotches' Wi-Fi (the "Butters, if you're on the internet without permission, you'll get grounded, mister!" network), sitting beside Kenny again. He starts sweating – literally _sweating_ – as he opens Firefox, some clicking here and there and a page is soon loading. He covers the screen with his arms, glaring at Kenny again. "A friend sent me this... don't think I'm some kind of pervert or something."

"Don't worry, man," Kenny shrugs, trying to not show how eager he felt.

When Kevin removes his arms, Kenny can see the page; there's topless anime guys on the corners of the layout, looking kind of girly, but which anime guy doesn't? Kenny can't see what the whole issue is, until Kevin scrolls down. There's more topless anime guys, only in more compromising positions with some flat-chested chicks. Kenny grins and pets Kevin's head knowingly, "Are you worried about _this_? C'mon, you should know _everyone _has fapped to hentai at least once in their lives. That 'no, man, it's gross!' story is total bullshit. It's not that much of a big deal, you're just overreacting. Even though I prefer the ones with big tits."

"You don't get it," Kevin's face contorts to an exasperated expression. "This," he points to the flat-chested chick, "is a man. A guy. He has a dick, like you and me and— and probably Butters," his face gets funnier and funnier with each word; Kenny maintains a blank expression (the Craig face, a.k.a. poker face) while trying to find the balance between not laughing and attempting to be sympathetic with Kevin's suffering. "It's— it's just not _normal_," he whispers. "I like tits, you know. But these things— Kenny, these things are _evil_."

Kenny tries to soothe Kevin's pain offering him a kind smile. "Look, it's not that bad. I mean, I've fapped to gay porn, too," he admits, and, yeah, that _is_ kind of embarrassing. "_And_ to hentai. What guy hasn't, right? It's not your fault your dick responds to sexual intercourse, Kev, it's just... natural. Hormones, you know? You see a dick entering a hole and you wish that dick was yours, so you get a boner and jerk off. That's it, it's natural. That's how God wanted it to be, child."

"No, Kenny, you don't get it," he shakes his head, that look that says '_someone get my dignity! Quick! It's going away!_' on his face. "They're like, _evil_. I have this friend in a gaming forum, right," it's what he begins his explanation with. On Kenny's personal opinion, saying you even have an account on any kind of forum on the Internet is far more embarrassing than anything anyone could fap to, but that's just Kenny, who thinks you should beat the game with no help from others (_you_ are supposed to be the hero, so it's pretty much cheating) and oh, yeah, right, he also has a goddamned Messiah complex. "She's a nice girl, really cool and we chat a lot. She keeps friendzoning me," Kenny murmurs an _I'm sorry, dude_, "and sent me some links. She said 'read it!' with a smiley face. I thought, yeah, why not. It was a website I download my mangas from," he confesses, since he feels he doesn't have any pride left in him anymore, so what's the use of hiding his endless geekiness from Kenny now? "But... but I didn't _know_. I downloaded it and opened the folder— man! I never saw it coming! Dicks, man! Dicks everywhere! On the first page! I went all _what the fucking fuck is this fuckery_ on her, but she kept saying 'read it! Read it, I swear you won't regret it!', so I did..."

"And...?" Kenny gulped, again eager to know the ending of Kevin's battle against anime dicks.

"And it was _good_," he choked. "The story... Kenny, it was _awesome_!"

"Hentais aren't supposed to have stories," he defends.

"It's because it's not _hentai_," Kevin explains with a careful tone again. "It's called y— yaoi, I think," he purses his lip, probably wondering if he did the right thing telling Kenny. "Look! Read this one!" he opens one of the seemingly endless folders and places his laptop on Kenny's folded legs, who simply goes from one image to another without thinking much. "Don't! You gotta _read_ it. For real. Like you were studying—"

"But I don't study—"

"Doesn't matter. Just read it. _Read._ Absorb the information."

He does. At least tries. It's kind of boring and there is way too much talking. He's kind of reading, kind of not when suddenly— _DICKS._

"Wha-wh, wait, where did these come from," his reflexes push the laptop back, panicking Kevin for a brief moment (he does some sort of inhuman sound, like '_careful, man!_'); Kenny mutters an apology and moves to the next page. "What! That doesn't make sense! Kevin, what the fuck are they— _what_, no foreplay? I mean, have the people that draw these things ever had sex? Anal sex isn't that _simple_, man! Are they— are they coming already? How long has it been in real life? _Three seconds_? What the actual—"

"You didn't read it, Kenny!"

"Kevin," he grabs his shoulders and looks into his eyes. "There's dicks everywhere, pointless and unrealistic sex, th— the guy who takes it cries all the time for no particular reason and blushed Jesus knows how many times in _what_? Sixteen pages of story? Are you fucking kidding me? That's hentai, man! Porn! Pointless porn!"

"If you don't read it, you'll never understand my agony!" Kevin struggles, grabbing Kenny's parka and shaking him; he then releases the grip, wearing his legendary disappointed Asian dad expression, which, putting in simple words, is something between sadness and frustration and is very, very powerful. "Never mind. I should've just... kept quiet, I don't know. It was a bad idea."

"Okay, fine," Kenny sighs in defeat. _Damn. _"I'll read it. For real. Just because I think you're overreacting. _And_," he adds. "You'll have to let me win next time we play Tekken at Craig's. He still thinks I'm a loser 'cause I can't win against you, but _damn_, you're Asian, for fuck's sake!"

"What's about me being Asian," Kevin frowns. "I'm _Chinese—_"

"Whatever, you owe me anyways."

Kevin thinks a little and, well, having someone reading the same weird shit as him is worth giving up his title as Tekken master for a little while. He holds out his hand, "Deal."

Kenny shakes his hand.


	3. Chapter 03

**A/N:** I'M SORRY! I get really insecure about shit and stop posting, this is a bad habit. I'm not proof-reading this chapter because my internet has been sucking balls, and I want to upload this before I change my mind.

Thanks for reading!

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><p>Kenny Finally Realizes The Mountain Of Crap He's Thrown Himself Into<p>

**Track 03: **Eminem – Just Lose It

_What else could I possibly do to make noise?_

_I done touched on everything, but little boys_

He can't stop reading it.

He can't fucking stop reading it.

And he's going fucking _mad_.

Later that same night, when Butters woke up around 8PM, it was the usual: he played childish games with Kevin until around 2AM, then finally surrendered and fell asleep again. Meanwhile, instead of comic books, Kenny read Kevin's infinite collection of gay hentai. His thoughts progressed from '_that's total crap_' to '_hm, not half bad, that's actually cute_' to the final '_no! He loves you! What the fuck are you doing with that girl! No! No, no, no! You're making the mistake of your life, you were _**meant**_ to be!_'.

Then, instead of playing Mortal Kombat, both of them read gay hentai all night long until sunrise. It was the most ridiculous experience Kenny has ever been through, one of the very few nights he won't ever talk about with _anyone_. He was far more embarrassed about how he felt his chest aching whenever in whichever story Dude 1 rejected Dude 2 and Dude 2 looked down with tears on his eyes saying, '_no, it's okay, Dude 1, I never expected you to return my feelings_' than when Karen had walked on him wanking off to some girl-on-girl amateur action – his lock was broken at the time, he would never, _ever_ be dumb enough to watch porn with his door unlocked with his little sister on the house, but he couldn't resist, since his home page is RedTube (he only uses his computer for masturbating; it's way too old and _slow_, which is why he only does researches for school at Kyle's or Stan's: the incredible retardation of his PC exclusively makes him just give up on whatever he's not interested in doing, which is, well, anything except for jerking off). Karen had burst into tears and asked if he was a lesbian and why he hadn't told her.

Okay, maybe the incident with his sister had been just as embarrassing. But at least it didn't hurt his masculinity, specially after operation "Explaining Karen Straight Dudes Like Lesbian Action, But It Doesn't Make Them Lesbian" – she finds her big brother even manlier and gentler now, letting his girls love each other and still having confidence in himself. It might be a lie, but she'll understand when she's supposed to. Hopefully she will forget about the event by the time.

But now. _Now_ Kenny's manliness seems to be in danger. His dick is happily reacting _too much_. He was skipping the sex parts, because really, that was way too unrealistic to be fun, he thought. Kevin reprehended him again and said it was actually good (the fact he had fapped to those was implied somewhere in there), and that Kenny would like it. And again, Kevin was right. Painfully right. Butters' house isn't far from his, so when morning finally came, Kenny didn't even wait for Butters to fully wake up and fled. Fled for _his life_, practically broke into his own house and went straight to the bathroom.

"What in the name of God are you _doing_," he confronts Little Kenny. "It's okay to get hard once in a while when I watch gay porn, but this is _wrong._ You're not supposed to be so excited about this!"

He sighs, lowering his head. He's talking to his penis, for fuck's sake.

"Now," he bites his lip, looking into the mirror, into his own desperate eyes. "Should I hold onto the last piece of dignity I have left and imagine dead kittens on grandma's bra," he looks down to his throbbing dick, swallowing a huge lump that at some point had formed in his throat. "Or should I just get it over with and never say a thing to anyone?"

The answer is obvious.

He sits on the toilet and an imaginary tear rolls down his cheek; blushing faces of cute dudes start flooding his mind and he holds Little Kenny with one hand.

"Goodbye, my noble and honored side. Hello, sexual crisis."

It's okay, Kenny thinks, only half-convinced. Later he'll just have a Slayer marathon and spend the rest of the weekend watching some horror movies, with lots of gore if possible. Maybe porn (no gay porn allowed. Forever. Probably). And get some sleep, then maybe have a beer with Craig on Sunday, just, you know, to talk about unemotional things. Yeah. That's it.


	4. Chapter 04

**A/N:** hey guys! Thank you so much for the reviews! It makes me really happy that you're enjoying the story!

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><p>So Craig Tucker And Beer Manage To Fuck Things Up In A Whole New Level<p>

**Track 04:** Arsenium – Love Me, Love Me

_When you're lonely in the night  
><em>_I'll be near to hold you tight  
><em>_If you ever want to cry  
><em>_I'll be there to kiss your eyes!_

Kenny is waiting outside of his house; his doorbell doesn't work, and Craig, who has the patience of a horny rat – one of those that has sex two weeks in a row and dies, according to Discovery Channel –, would probably wait 30 seconds and leave. Kenny needs company, but Stan is a pussy by definition and Kyle is in love with his male super best friend, so they wouldn't exactly help him forget about his gay hentai issues. Cartman is the last person he wants to spill anything to in case he gets drunk, and he'd ask Butters to spend the day with him, but it would probably hurt his feelings because Kenny just _refuses _to be gay (no, that sounds insensitive; he is just a little unsettled, because he's been so _sure_ about his sexuality since, you know, _forever_). So aside from Butters, Craig is someone Kenny kind of almost trusts (he figures Craig is far too lazy to start rumors... and just interact with other people in general) and is suitable for this job, named "Spending At Least Today Doing Manly Things Because I Fapped To Gay Hentai And It Hurts My Pride As A Straight Man".

He's spacing out when Craig kicks him in the knee, holding out a black plastic bag with DVDs. Kenny gives him a smile and they go inside and grab some beers from the fridge; "Your old man doesn't mind?"

"Not really," Kenny shrugs. "It's Sunday, right? He's gonna come home so high he won't even notice," and it's kind of humorous the tone Kenny uses, because it's just as I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck as Craig's would have been, he imagines. "By the way, thanks for showing up. You're the only one I can count on right now."

"Yeah, whatever, Ruby was just being a whiny little bitch so I needed an excuse to get the fuck outta there," he groans.

Kenny smiles to himself. When they eventually have proper conversations, Craig talks a lot about his sister. He knows Ruby, she is somewhat friends with Karen, who seems to admire her; she says Ruby is so cool and composed – people still think the same about Craig – and that she wants to be just like her. Karen is younger, she is 13, while Ruby is 14, so Kenny doesn't blame Craig for complaining; preteens are pain in the ass (Karen is starting to talk back to him, too, but he is sure Ruby is far more arrogant), but he knows Craig loves Ruby just like Kenny loves Karen. It's something only older siblings know. They must have fought because someone in Ruby's class is throwing a party tonight, Kenny imagines, since Karen has gone; she doesn't ask for his permission anymore, and it hurts his heart to imagine how she is growing up so fast.

Craig sits down on the carpet, despise the dirt, and waits. Kenny turns on his old DVD player and fishes on the bag. Destiny's first pick apparently is Green Street Hooligans; one of Kenny's personal favorites, he should say, so he feels it's his lucky day. Some moderate violence and beer, it doesn't sound bad.

At first.

Kenny begins to notice how Elijah Wood is handsome. Yeah, okay, though his pride is still injured, he knows a man should be able do admire other men's good looks. He feels his throat getting a little dry, so he takes a sip of beer; so what Elijah Wood is good-looking? It's normal, right? He's a Hollywood star, and Hollywood stars are supposed to be cute—

Whoa, whoa. _Cute_?

He gasps at the thought; okay, it's not that bad. Then he tries concentrating on the movie instead of Elijah Wood alone. Charlie Hunnam is not bad either. He's just handsome. Kenny thinks he's just handsome. He thinks of them as Matt and Peter. _Just think of them as Matt and Peter, your heroes_, he motivates himself, eventually drinking his beer before it gets warm. And the first bottle is empty, so he grabs another.

By his fourth beer, his thoughts begin to flow freely.

Matt is absolutely cute, he admits. He's pretty much like those dudes on gay hentais. All shy and insecure and such. That's not a bad thing, though; Pete is there for him and he kind of bullies him, but lets him in his group and even defends him at some point of the movie, if he's not mistaken. Yeah, they'd be a nice couple together. Pete is all manly and violent and Matt totally wants Pete to like him. They definitely suit each other.

Wait.

What?

Craig probably notices how Kenny is getting tense, so he tries starting a conversation (which is extremely rare, so Kenny feels pretty flattered), "This Matt dude reminds me of Tweek."

Not bad.

"Yeah? Why?"

"Tweek is all defenseless," he shrugs. "Kind of pisses me off sometimes, he can't stand up for himself. But he's got some balls. He totally kicked my ass back on third grade," he gets a little pissed at this – Kenny finds it understandable; Stan, Kyle and Cartman were assholes back then, tricking Craig and Tweek into beating the shit out of each other, while he was too preoccupied about keeping himself from dying. Craig probably doesn't remember this crucial part and must hate him for that, too. "Anyway, after that, he just kept away from violence in general. He keeps saying he hates it. I guess I made him paranoid about getting his teeth all fucked up. Sometimes he cries when we watch action movies with too much fighting."

Kenny snorts. Cute.

"Really? I don't think I ever saw Tweek crying."

"What," Craig eyes him, something that almost resembles perplexity on his face. _Almost_, since he's still Craig. "Tweek cries all the time. He's all clingy, too. Like, all the time, even when he's sleeping."

"You've slept together?" and he isn't mocking them; in fact, there's some amusement hidden somewhere in his tone.

"No," he looks back at the TV, and there's some fighting, but not enough to make him distracted. "I mean, sort of. We go all the time to Token's place, but Clyde is a fucking asshole and makes Tweek watch psychological thrillers. I think it entertains him. It's the worst you can make Tweek do, seriously," Craig groans. "He gets totally paranoid and thinks everything on the movie is real. The worst times were when we watched Shutter Island and Donnie Darko. He never let go of my arm and kept whimpering and shaking," he rolls his eyes. "Token has a lot of guest rooms, but Tweek always insists on sleeping with me. I let him because I refused the first time and he totally freaked out in the middle of the night," Kenny is on the way to his sixth beer, and he has a pretty high tolerance, but can't help thinking it'd be nice if he had someone that depended on him so much. "We always sleep on the same bed now, but he's too fucking clingy. When he's too scared he hugs me and I can't fucking sleep because Tweek is pretty much a walking vibrator and keeps jittering and mumbling things."

Kenny laughed; it really is adorable to think of Tweek acting that way. Craig is one lucky bastard.

"I wouldn't mind," he admits, probably making a weird face because the way Craig looked at him wasn't pretty. "No, I mean, that's— that's fucking adorable."

"Yeah, right," he rests his face on his hand. "Don't tell me you're gay for Tweek."

Wuh, what?

"Craig," Kenny sighs, grabbing another bottle. "I think I am."

Craig's face doesn't change. Not even one muscle.

Silence.

"I'm not gonna help you get your sick, perverted hands on him, if that's what you're thinking."

Kenny frowns, "Damn, dude! Help me! Just this time!"

"No way," he flips him off. "Last time I helped you and your friends I ended up stuck in fucking Peru. Watching movies with you, yeah, that's cool, but I'm not handing you Tweek just like that. You're gonna traumatize him or something. Or drug him and rape him, only God knows what you're capable of, McCormick."

"I'd never do that," Kenny rolls his eyes, groaning something that sounded like a curse under his breath. He suddenly smiled. "Well, fuck you. Butters will definitely help me."

The only response Craig has to that is an arched brow. "You're just gonna hurt him."

"I told you, I'm not gonna lay a hand on Tweek if he's not positive about whatever I do."

Craig rolls his eyes. He doesn't take the effort to say it's not Tweek he's talking about – he'd bind, torture and kill Kenny if he ever hurt Tweek, but that's an understatement anyway – and drives his gaze back to the TV screen. He probably mutters something like 'do whatever you want', but Kenny isn't sure; he's perfecting his plan right now, even though he's slightly drunk. If he can get his hands on Tweek, maybe he'll settle down his curiosity. Yeah, that's probably curiosity to put all those gay hentai things to test. He'll hate and blame Kevin for everything later. Also, he's had what? Seven bottles already? Time to take a piss.


	5. Chapter 05

**A/N:** hey, guys! I'm so sorry about my absence. My mental health hasn't been at its best lately (I did get better when I started taking meds, around the time I started writing this story), but I've changed shrinks (because my previous one wasn't a good professional) and my medications as well. All the highs and lows have been throwing me through terrible moods swings, with college enrollment and... life in general. Anyway, I'm so sorry. Thank you for following the story until this point, every favorite and review means the world to me!

**IMPORTANT:** Alba (**yaahoooo** tumblr) really needs help right now. You can commission her and Triangulo (**triangulodef** tumblr), or donate some bucks! Every little thing helps. Thank you, guys!

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><p>Making Tweek Watch Psychological Horror And Sleep With Me (Not In A Sexual Manner, Really)<p>

**Track 05: **3OH!3 – Double Vision

_I'm thinking maybe I can't have relationships  
><em>'_Cause lately they're not making any sense  
><em>_And, baby, you're the one thing on my mind  
><em>_That I can change anytime  
><em>'_Cause there's so many fine women that my head is spinning_

Kenny spends his Sunday night thinking about it (after they watched Fight Club and Oldboy and Kenny isn't slightly drunk anymore). It's complicated, yeah, but he is worried about Tweek freaking the fuck out, since Butters is most likely to help him. They do favors to each other all the time; Kenny always comes over when Butters' parents aren't in town to clean the house and help him do the laundry – Butters is really clumsy with these things, he's been grounded countless times for shrinking his mom's skirts or turning his dad's white shirts into turquoise blotches – and Butters helps him with homework and more intellectual tasks.

He thinks about talking to Butters on Monday, but Bebe keeps him busy all day long. Unfortunately, their short love affair was over when she started dating Red (_Red_, Kenny's ex-girlfriend, of all people. As hot as it sounded, he never insisted much on a threesome, since there's still a lot of resentment between him and Red, after all – they both had cheated, so, yeah, _awkward_) and he's apparently the only one who knows they are going out. Though practically all the popular kids at least get along with each other, most of them are still rednecks, so Bebe has only Kenny's shoulder to cry on when Red breaks up with her. And damn, the girl has a lot of water to waste. The problem with their relationship is that both are girls and girls are fucking sensitive and jealous and, most of the time, selfish, he knows. He doesn't voice that, though, it'd be fucking insensitive of him, so he just pats Bebe's shoulder and says it's going to be okay. He knows Red, knows she's a bitch sometimes – and personally doesn't trust her either, but likes to believe she's different with Bebe – and that she deserves an award for being the biggest drama queen before drama was even invented, and tries telling Bebe that Red just needs space. They had skipped pretty much all of their classes when Bebe decides to stop crying (also, Kenny's parka is all gross and wet on the chest and shoulder, but it happens more often than not since Kenny isn't exactly short and girls tend to like hugging him and drying their tears and running noses on his clothes), but her eyes are red and swollen and Kenny offers himself to drive her home; God knows what Bebe does when she's emotionally unbalanced. Last time she cried so much she fell asleep and got her car all fucked up. Since then Kenny or some other good guy drives her home from parties or school or wherever it is that she goes when she's sad.

"Thanks, Kenny," she sniffs discreetly on their way to her car, pressing a tissue to her eyes. "I can't stand how she gets all pissed off over the stupidest things. I think it's somehow your fault," she giggles, her voice all sore and hoarse from crying.

"C'mon, she cheated on me, too," he pouted, doing that face that always makes Bebe laugh uncontrollably. It works and he smiles, "but don't worry, really. You girls are too sensitive. I bet she's bawling her eyes out on Kevin."

"I hope so," she frowns. "But I'm really sorry about making you skip classes just to comfort me. Wasn't Butters upset he had to take the bus home?"

Bebe is the only one that knows how deep his friendship with Butters goes, too. Not that Kenny has told her anything, but she's clever and observant, more than anyone gives her credit for. She is one his favorite girls actually, since she is popular being herself; she doesn't lie either, something that Kenny truly appreciates.

"He said it was okay, but he's worried about you," he smiled, shaking his head lightly. Butters likes Bebe, too, since Kenny always says good things about her, even though they don't actually talk to each other.

"He's such a sweet boy," she sighed. "It's a shame he's gay, seriously."

Again, Kenny never told her anything about it. Everyone at least suspects Butters swings that way, but Bebe is the only one who's _sure_ he is gay, but never made fun of it in any kind of manner. Her gaydar is really efficient.

"Well, since you're a dyke now, you should give it a shot."

He gets a punch on the arm for that. Bebe goes to the gym to stay fit – _hot_ – and that's enough said.

**xxx**

Shit keeps happening and people keep breaking up, for some divine reason, stopping Kenny from talking to Butters. Wendy and Clyde take Kenny's Tuesday, and Stan's dog thinks Wednesday is a fine day to die, so him and Kyle try to make their friend feel a little better and tell him that it isn't his fault his dog died, and that is the natural order of things, but Stan cries all day long, doesn't even go to school. On Thursday he is still a little upset, but nothing Kyle can't handle himself, so Kenny finally gets his chance to talk with Butters about Tweek.

And... it's as gracious as a baby giraffe trying to walk for the first time without two of its legs. At least on Butters' side, since Kenny feels absolutely comfortable around his friend and doesn't mind telling him anything. Except for that time when Karen caught him watching lesbian porn or the gay hentai thing and some other things. Very few things, he swears.

"O-oh, hamburgers," he is obviously nervous, doing that rubbing knuckles thing. His eyes won't even meet Kenny's, and Kenny can't really blame him. It must be rather embarrassing to be asked something like that, specially for Butters who probably has never done such a thing. "I-if... if ya' like Tweek, I guess— I guess we can figure somethin' out, right?" he licks his lips and bites on them, but finally looks up to Kenny's eyes.

"It's not like that, Butters," he smiles, pretty self-conscious. "I don't... _like_ Tweek. I think he's cute," he admits sincerely, but Butters suddenly makes a sad, sad face that _breaks_ Kenny's heart. "What's that, Butters? What's bothering you?"

"N-no, it's just that, uh," he looks down again; he always does that when has something either important or embarrassing to say, Kenny learned through the years, so he lets Butters take his time. All his body language speaks of nervousness, so Kenny is kind of getting worried, but finally, "Y-ya' never told you were g-gay. Ya' don't trust me?"

Kenny smiles.

"Don't be dumb. I do trust you," he says, and Butters looks at him again. He's still feeling hurt, Kenny guesses. "I'm not gay, really. I'm just curious, I guess, and Tweek's really cute. Or maybe I'm just horny," that makes Butters blush furiously. Kenny laughs; that's one of the endearing things about Butters, how he gets easily uncomfortable with blunt words. "Just kidding. I really think Tweek is cute, I mean, he's all stuttering and stuff, clinging onto people when he's scared. He's too dependent, I guess I like that."

Butters seems to think for a moment and hesitantly nods.

"O-okay, then," he has a little smile on his face. Kenny sighs mentally at that; Butters is probably the last person he would want to upset. "I'll invite him over. W-we're pretty good friends, I guess— I-I mean, I keep him company when Craig skips classes, a-and I guess you're right, he's really cute," he is kind of babbling, Kenny notices. "A-anyway," he is awkward, too. Kenny is starting to wonder if he's making Butters too nervous by asking this kind of favor. "Tweek is terrified about aliens and ghosts, s-so try not to scare him to death, okay, Ken? S-silly movies like, um, Coraline or something should do the trick."

"You were scared when we watched Coraline, too."

Butters doesn't answer to that, instead he changes the subject. "Wuh-what time do you think is fine? Tomorrow, I mean."

"Around 9," he shrugs it off. "I'll grab some movies with Kyle, he's got a really nice horror collection."

"'Kay, then," he shifts his weigh from one foot to the other, and scratches the back of his neck. Kenny is sure he got this habit from him and regrets it; it's not a good thing and Butters' neck gets red when he does that too much. Kenny himself doesn't have that problem, since he always wears his hood. "Buh-by the way," he looks Kenny in the eyes again. "I've gotta catch the bus today. Mom wants me home early a-and I have to clean the house for tomorrow a-anyway," he kind of smiles, kind of doesn't. "For the b-big day, right."

"Don't want me to drop by and help you?"

"N-nah," he shakes his head, perhaps with more vigor than necessary. "But thanks, Ken. Just pick the movies and I'll call Tweek, alright?"

"Yeah," he agrees half-heartedly.

Butters turns on his heels and waves, leaving Kenny behind. Something feels really off, though Kenny can't put his finger on it. He was acting really strange, but the thought of two of his friends hooking up at his house might be troubling him, Kenny thinks. He fishes his phone on his pocket on his to Kyle's and types a message, '_u dont need 2 do it if u dont feel like it_'and selects Butters through his contacts. He doesn't put the phone back in his pocket even after he sent it – Butters always answers immediately with short, polite and Butters-like answers. After not long Kenny feels bothered and constantly checks if he didn't receive anything and his phone didn't vibrate (that damned cheap piece of shit, as he dearly named it), then decides to call Kyle.

"_Yeah_?"

"Hey, man," Kenny greets. "Can I come over?"

"_No problem. Is Butters with you?_"

"No, he has to clean the house or something."

Kyle mutters an okay and they hang up. Kenny resumes his walk in silence, somewhat still bothered; Butters still hasn't texted him. Kenny tries not to think about it and thinks up a million excuses why he wouldn't reply and concentrates on his way when he realizes he's going towards Butters' house.

**xxx**

"You're more the action type," Kyle remarks while Kenny is rummaging through his shelf of DVDs.

"So what?" Kenny shrugs, frowning at some of the items of Kyle's collection. Damn, he has Indian horror, for fuck's sake. "While talking to me, keep in mind I'm not Stan and therefore can't read your mind, dude," at this, Kenny feels his back being attacked by some book – he knows it's a book because Kyle developed this weird habit of throwing things at people when they are out of reach, and it's usually a book, since he always has one with him. Besides, its sharp edges are hard to be mistaken for anything else except for a knife. "Hey!"

"Don't mention Stan unless it's fundamentally necessary," he commands more than asks, and Kenny knows he's embarrassed about the incident from last week. Kyle getting drunk and flamboyantly confessing his non-platonic love for Stan to Kenny, that is. "I meant I don't understand why you'd want one of my movies. There's hardly any fighting, you know I hate thrillers with dumb action."

"I know, Mr. Smartass," he rolls his eyes, turning around to face Kyle, who's sitting by his desk. He's doing that face he does whenever someone calls him smartass – though Kyle does know he is above average in studies (and everything in general, actually), Kenny guesses he either doesn't like being different from Stan in anything or is one modest motherfucker. Personally, Kenny sticks to the first of his guesses. "1408? Or Silent Hill?"

"I still don't have an answer."

"What is the question, exactly? I already told you I'm not St—"

"Go fuck yourself, Kenny," he rolls his eyes, standing up and walking towards Kenny, who fears for his life for a brief second before Kyle sits cross-legged next to him. "What are you planning? Because I _know_ you and I also know that you never do stuff without ulterior motives. You said yourself you think my movies are boring, so what is it?"

"Tweek," Kenny answers without hesitation with a huge grin plastered on his face.

"You're pulling a prank on him? Seriously, you better think twice, 'cause you're either gonna either kill him or get killed by Craig. Maybe both."

"No, I want to, you know," he gestures something with his hands that make Kyle's jaw drop. "With him."

"What the fuck, and you're making fun of me because—"

"Whoa, whoa," he points at Kyle, shutting him up before he can even finish his sentence. "Don't get it wrong, man. It's one thing when you're in love with a dude. That's pretty noble of you, by the way," he comments with a chuckle, earning a warning glare from the red-head. "I just want to go as far as I can with Tweek. It's plain curiosity, you know? I think he's cute and all. And that's it. I'm don't want to start a relationship and build a family with him or anything."

"I'm telling you, Kenny, that's a bad idea. Craig is gonna slaughter you."

"Don't worry about that, he's the one who gave me the idea in the first place," he shrugs, rummaging again through the DVDs.

"_What_," it's technically classified as a scream, and it scares the shit out of Kenny.

"What _what_?" he catches his breath. "Don't tell me you're more shocked about this than with the idea of me making out with a dude! What the fuck, Kyle!"

"Of course I am," Kyle frowns. "I mean, Tweek is like, Craig's pretty little angel. _Also_, you've already hooked up with at least half of the females on our school," Kenny giggles and 'puh-_lease_, don't be modest'. Kyle rolls his eyes at that. "It was a matter of time for you to run out of cute girls and started chasing the cute boys," he stops, looking up, kind of thinking. "I thought you'd go for Butters first."

"Butters is too innocent," Kenny rests his face on his hand. "I wouldn't mind, really, but I don't think he'd be interested."

"Why not?"

"I don't know," he shrugs again. "I guess he's more into guys like Craig, I guess. Or Stan. The caring type, I think," he looks at Kyle, who immediately shot his glance back when Stan was mentioned. "By the way, how's things with him? Stan, I mean."

Kyle recognizes Kenny isn't mocking him or anything. He sighs and drops his head back.

"I don't know. I mean, I want to tell him, I hate not telling him things," he groans. "Sometimes I think he _knows._"

"No shit, you basically have the same brain."

"Shut up," and Kenny mutters something intelligible. "I really want to say something, but I don't want to spoil what we have. Seriously, I don't think I could deal with him not being my friend or anything."

Kenny notices how Kyle's expression softens. Not to a good one, but it's a face Kyle makes when he's thinking hard (Kenny knows that since he always tries to copy Kyle's answers during tests).

"Listen," he smiles caringly. "I think you should try. Stan's a softy, you know that, too. He wouldn't be an asshole and just go 'ew that's gross, I don't want to be friends anymore'. Just tell him you don't expect anything from him or whatever, just wanted to let him know. Maybe then you'll settle this down."

Kyle frowns, "Kenny, that's fucking gay. Seriously, I don't think it'd be that easy. Where'd you get this idea from? Soap operas?"

Kenny gasps, realizing he just said the bullshit gay hentais usually are. He's still offended, though.

"Dude, I'm just trying to help you. Don't just vent your frustration on me."

"Sorry," Kyle bends his head down, hugging his knees. "You're right, I'm being an ass."

Kenny sighs; he looks at Kyle and smiles, hugging him. "Aren't you the cutest thing," he laughs, and Kyle glares at him. "C'mon, if you feel so hurt, let me comfort you, huh? What about that?" he offers, doing that obnoxious flirting brows thing.

"Fuck you, Kenny!" he growls, hitting Kenny right in the chin.

Damn, why do people like hitting him like that? He's just kidding, for fuck's sake.


	6. Chapter 06

**A/N: **hi, everyone! I'd like to thank the anon who tried to tell me "gay hentai" is "yaoi", hahaha. And I hope that, if you read the story, you know I do realize that! But thanks anyway. Also, thanks to the anon who left really short reviews. My favorite is the "Ha" one. Guys, no matter how short or meaningless your reviews might seem, I love every single one I get! Thank you for keeping up!

**ALSO! **Please don't forget you can help Al and Triangulo (**yaahoooo **and **triangulodef** on tumblr) by donating some bucks, even $1 donations help a lot!

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><p>Shit Tend To Backfire And Kenny McCormick Should Have Known That<p>

**Track 06:** Garbage – Cherry Lips

_You're such a delicate boy  
><em>_In the hysterical realm  
><em>_Of an emotional landslide  
><em>_In physical terms_

Kenny can't help but grin when he has Tweek is spazzing on the edge of a mental breakdown – in the most adorable sense of the words, if there's any – and clinging onto his right arm. They're watching Dead Silence, and he has to admit those dolls are some dope shit, but he's not even paying attention. Tweek keeps whimpering and doing those cute noises that all the concentration Kenny has is directly focused on not letting all his blood go straight to his dick. He believes he is drooling over his fantasies when he feels his sleeve being pulled. He looks at Butters, who's by his left side and has scooted closer at some point.

"K-Ken," he whispers with a frightened look. "Ah-I don't wanna get in the way or nothin'," he adds, and he lowers his head, almost hiding it between his shoulders when there's a sudden, loud noise on the movie and Tweek screams for his dear life (they're lucky Butters' parents are out for dinner, seriously). "B-but I'm really scared," Kenny checks on Tweek to make sure he isn't dead or convulsing or anything, then looks back to Butters. Though the lights are off, he can see Butters' eyes glittering from the dim illumination the TV projects. He must have been holding back from holding onto Kenny's arm, since he always does that when they eventually watch horror movies with Stan, Kyle and Cartman. Says it comforts him. "C-can I hold your hand, at least?"

Kenny chuckles at that, grabbing Butters' hand firmly. He intertwines their fingers, squeezing the smaller hand in his, trying to give Butters some confidence. He wouldn't do that kind of thing, not even with his women, but Butters is being considerate enough to help him with Tweek, so he feels it's the least he can do. Putting it that way, he asks himself why Butters even asks for permission to just hold his hand. Even though that's pretty gay.

**xxx**

It's when they go to sleep that things start to backfire.

"Tweek, Craig told me you don't like sleeping alone. You can sleep here," he gladly offers space in his sleeping bag, but Tweek refuses vigorously.

"GAH! No way, man!" he jumps. "You're gonna rape me! I know it!"

Butters frowns, "C-calm down, Tweek. Kenny would never do such a thing!"

"No way! I don't—ngh—trust him! Craig told me not to!"

_Craig_. That sly motherfucker.

"I won't rape you, I swear!"

"N-no way! Jesus, it's way too much pressure!"

"It's not, I swear~"

"No! Craig told me not to trust you!"

"He's lying!"

"C-Craig doesn't lie," Tweek glares at him. "I-I trust Craig. He told me to sleep with—ngh—Butters if I got too scared," he looks at Butters with pleading eyes, desperate ones. "C-can I?"

Butters immediately looks at Kenny and bites his lip. Kenny gives up and sighs. He rolls his eyes and mutters an 'whatever' before lying down.

"I-I guess that's okay," Butters smiles, rubbing his knuckles together. "D'ya bring your PJs, Tweek?"

"Y-yeah. C-can I take a shower before we—ngh—sleep? So many germs on me right now, ugh."

"Sure," Butters smiles, opening his wardrobe and looking for some towels. He's had Tweek over a couple times, so he knows no matter how many showers Tweek has taken, he is always going to take another before sleeping. "Here's your towel. I-I washed it yesterday, so don't worry 'bout germs or nothin', 'kay?"

"Jesus, th-thanks, man! You're the best."

Tweek shoots a suspicious look toward Kenny one last time before he enters the bathroom. The door makes a loud noise – purposefully loud – when Tweek locks it.

"K-Ken," Butters tries, sitting cross-legged, facing Kenny's back. "Are ya' mad?"

"No."

"Yeah, you are," he touches Kenny's shoulder, making a light pressure to make him turn around to face him. Kenny refuses to turn. "Ah-I'm awful sorry, Ken. Didn't mean for this to happen. I really wanted ya' to get what ya' wanted."

He sighs, rolling around on his waist, holding his head on the palm of his hand.

"I'm sorry," he smiles, feeling a little guilty when he sees Butters' regretful face. "I'm being childish, really. It's not your fault. At best, it's my own fault, thinking it'd be just easy like that," he sits up, ruffling Butters' hair. It's gotten longer, but it's still messy; at least it doesn't look like a bird's nest like Kenny's. "I'm really sorry, Butters. I started this friendship because I felt bad for pushing you around before and I'm doing this again, forcing you help me for my own convenience."

"Nah," he smiles, holding Kenny's wrist. "Don't worry, I'm really glad ya' trusted me enough to ask this kinda thing. I'm doing this 'cause I really want ya' to be happy."

Ah. If only his women had been as considerate as Butters.

By the time Tweek gets out of the shower, Kenny is flipping through an out-dated Vogue magazine Butters keeps in his room – he remembers Butters showing him some of the girls in the mag and saying he wished he could be as pretty as them; Kenny thought it was really stupid at the time, since Butters has a nice built, much better than the skeletons that they call models. Kenny drew all over them with a thick, permanent marker when he noticed Butters was starting to lose weight. He also left messages for him ("don't ever change", "skinny girls suck", "what the fuck, that's not healthy", "where's her tits?", "you're way prettier than they'll ever be" and so on. His favorite was "you're beautiful. I'm sure James Blunt agrees with me" because it made Butters laugh really hard until he cried). Since then, Butters maintains a healthy weight and makes Kenny practice his lame-ass handwriting, too.

Tweek sits with his back to the bed, between Butters' legs, who starts gently drying his hair with the towel. It seems like they are used to it. Kenny starts to feel self-conscious about how he's staring at them, but maybe he is thinking about how Butters is kind and attentive. He may have hard times with Math or Chemistry or things that demand focus, but he easily learns what people like or dislike; he pays full attention when they are talking, really takes into account what may please or displease someone and remembers things they have done for him, but barely minds to remember how much they owe him for what he has done for them. For a simple example, he never leaves Kenny with a cat alone – and that was an episode he would like Butters to forget about, but he refuses to, because it is directly related to Kenny's physical and mental health.

"Thanks, man—ngh. Craig always does that for me," Tweek comments, kind of smiling at Butters. "He says I should cut my hair, too."

"Don't," Butters says with the patience of a saint. Maybe Kenny should put him in an altar or something like that. "I like your hair just fine, I bet Craig does, too. It suits you," he says with a lovely, lovely face and they look like two school girls. Which is cute, though. Butters does something with the towel around Tweek's ear and he jitters and his voice makes a funny sound. "Sorry! D-did I hurt ya'?"

"No—ngh, I don't like when—GAH—people mess with my ear. Feels funny, ngh."

_Don't rape him_, Kenny thinks to himself.

"Sorry, didn't know that," Butters chuckles, gently drying Tweek's hair, carefully avoiding his ears. "Mine feels funny, too. 'Round the neck, too," he remarks casually, pointing his nape.

_Butters, stop that_, Kenny feels his pants tightening uncomfortably.

"AGH! Mine, too! Craig keeps teasing me—ngh—like this," he says, frowning, and does something with his finger on Butters' neck that make him giggle – literally _giggle._ "Feels weird, right!"

"It tickles."

_That's too much for my self-control_, Kenny pleads.

"Look—ngh," Tweek now turns around and sits on his knees, placing his hands on Butters' waist. "Craig does that all the time—GAH!"

_Craig, that motherfucker! And he keeps saying **I'm **the sick pervert?_

Tweek slides his finger up Butters' back and he actually _shivers_.

"Eh, s-stop, it gives me goosebumps," Butters moves Tweek's hands away, and Kenny is _sure_ he's blushing when their eyes meet.

_Thank you, God, for being merciful_, Kenny sighs when he realizes he's actually laid on his stomach. He has to shift around a little, but if he had been in any other position, Tweek would probably freak out and Butters would never talk to him again. But still, how can fate be so cruel? Putting him in one room with two of the most adorable creatures in the world, both showing off each other's erogenous zone and Kenny... he just can't do anything for two reasons: 1) Butters is far too innocent for anyone to lay a finger on (he's also his friend), and 2) Craig, who's obviously a pedophile in disguise, would murder Kenny and leave no traces behind. Not that Kenny wouldn't be back, but Craig is one person that Kenny is sure is some kind of psychotic sociopath that is just waiting for the right victim he can inflict unspeakable pain and do weird-ass experiments on like that Mengele Nazi dude.

"It's funny, I know now—ngh—why Craig does that."

"That's mean," Butters whines in a way that goes straight to Kenny's nether regions. "L-let's sleep, okay? Your hair is dry already," he says getting up and pulling his blanket. "You fine if we share the pillow?"

"T-that's okay, I don't use one—ngh," he mutters. "In case someone—GAH—tries to suffocate me with it."

Butters gives him an awkward smile and looks at Kenny. "You okay, Ken?"

"Wha, no, yeah, I mean, I'm fine," he gasps, trying to compose himself. "J-just sleep, okay? I'm finishing this, uh, article and, and then I'll sleep."

"Okay, but don't ya' use anythin' ya' read there, that's from last year," he smiles, genuinely giving him the advice.

"Yeah, don't worry."

Kenny stares at the magazine as his brain tries to process what's written there. It's impossible, since he has written and scribbled things all over it – _damn_, his handwriting is one goddamned mess – and he is starting to feel a little bad for getting a hard-on from those two. Specially Butters, who has always willingly helped him with whatever he needed. Still, he can't put Little Kenny to rest; again, he's always been very persistent.

He checks on them after some minutes of staring blankly at the articles; Tweek is hugging Butters' waist tightly, and Butters has a peaceful expression. He has always been cute in his sleep, Kenny remembers; he tends to smile, even unconscious. Tweek is probably used to sleep on Craig's chest, but they are almost the same height – caffeine messed up Tweek's growth. As for Butters, it was mostly his genes; both his parents aren't tall –, so part of his feet get a little out of the blanket since he's using Butters' arm as a pillow and his face his buried on his chest. They are hugging each other, which plus the adorable coffee and bubble-patterned pajamas they have make all the scene look comfortable. And kind of tempting.

"Holy fuck," Kenny mutters to himself, ignoring Little Kenny (he fears his dick might rot and fall off, but he just _can't _corrupt Butters' room like this) and fishes through Tweek's clothes. He finds his cellphone and takes a picture. "Craig, you bastard, suffer with me," he huffs, sending the picture to Craig with the message '_TELL ME THIS IF ISNT THE CUTEST THING EVER_'.

After a few moments, Craig replies: _good to know you're not sleeping w/ him but wtf are you doing w/ his phone_

To which Kenny answers: _cause im sure youd just ignore if it was me sending you txts 1 in the fuckin mornin_

And adds: _btw ur a pedofile_

**Craig:** [01:04] _pedophile*  
><em>**Tweek:** [01:04] _whatever didnt that give u a fuckin boner_

He feels his own phone vibrate.

**Craig:** [01:05] _wtf mccormick delete those messages from tweek's phone right now  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:06] _k deleted it. So u do have a boner rite now  
><em>**Craig:** [01:08] _you're the sick pervert  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:08] _tweek told us u keep molestin him  
><em>**Craig:** [01:08] ...  
><strong>Craig:<strong> [01:09] _i don't molest him  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:09] _yea right. Cmon man its ok i want 2 molest him to  
><em>**Craig:** [01:09]_ too*  
><em>**Craig:** [01:10] _and don't you dare or i'm on my way to prepare the soil that awaits your corpse  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:10] _chill out grammarzilla im not doin anythin to ur boyfrind k  
><em>**Craig:** [01:10] _you'd better not  
><em>**Craig:** [01:11] _and doesn't your phone have a fucking auto correct  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:12]_ as much of a pice of shit as it is it does but a girl broke up w me bc i txtd her instead of butters nd it was smth like  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:12] _hey buttercup u wanna bang my gfs busy today  
><em>**Craig:** [01:13] _lol serves you right  
><em>**Craig:** [01:13] _but buttercup? that's unexpected  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:14] _yea i like callin him cute names bt it makes him umcomfortabel  
><em>**Craig:** [01:14] _ok just go to sleep, your orthography is offensive  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:14] _aw cmon craig  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:15] _craig u there man  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:16] _yo dont ignore me just bc my english sux  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:18] _k then imma jerk off 2 ur bfs sweet sleepin face  
><em>**Kenny:** [01:24]_ guess ur sleepin jus dont kill me wen u see that in the mornin k i didnt jerk off 2 his face i swer_


	7. Chapter 07

**A/N:** hey, guys, it's been a long time since my last update and I'm awfully sorry. I swear I haven't abandoned this story, but... writing has been really difficult for me lately. Anyhow, this chapter is kind of pointless, but I owe you this much. Thank you for reading!

PS: do any of you live in St. Paul, MN? Because I'm going to spend a month there and it'd be awesome to meet some bunny fans and cry over South Park!

* * *

><p>It's Saturday, A Fine Day To Blame Kevin Stoley For Ruining Kenny McCormick's Life And Realize Things That Shouldn't Be Realized<p>

**Bonus Track: **Brand New – Daisy

_I'm a mountain that has been moved_

_I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run_

_I'm a preacher with no pulpit_

_Spewing a sermon that goes on and on and on_

Tweek left around 10AM. Kenny remembers he used to have little to no sleep when they were younger, but now it seems that Craig fixed his sleeping schedule by restraining his caffeine consume. How he did that is still a mystery.

Kenny stayed until noon and left before lunch; as much as he enjoys having a proper meal once in a while, he knows Mrs. Stotch is contrary to feeding other people's children. Not that she doesn't like Kenny, he is just no exception for the strict rules they have in the house. She invites him for dinner sometimes, so he is fine with them. They also stopped grounding Butters for no apparent reason, which is a true relief for Kenny – he remembers now that, at some point in their childhood, Kenny thought about running away with Butters and Karen. Kidnapping him, if he had to, just to take him out from his abusive home. He has always felt sympathetic for Butters, since his own parents aren't exactly what one would call an ideal couple to take care of three children.

He still thinks about it sometimes, though. Running away, that is.

He imagines how his life could be out of South Park. He is the kind of person that appreciates freedom, and he is sure he would have far more opportunities in a big city; maybe he could go to California, try to make money just with his old guitar, or sail the ocean. Go to Mexico, perhaps; Butters has told him about the people there, and though that time he got stuck there has been a little traumatic, he thinks about it with a lot of affection. Kenny likes the idea of going somewhere new, with a whole different culture and people and food. He isn't good in Geography or anything, but it's the class he dislikes the least; he fantasizes about visiting new countries, like Germany or the Philippines. He wants to go to Kenya to help people, too, wants to travel around the world doing ridiculous jobs to have money only to eat and go from here to there. He wants to ride a bike through America, not only the States. He wants to go to Chile, to Argentina. He wants to know how the weather is there, wants to visit beautiful beaches in Brazil, see deep-blue skies in the Netherlands, wants to know the history behind all those churches in England.

He feels he can't, though. He's got too much soul for a place like South Park, but he feels he has to stay. Not as though something stops him from running away or that he is _stuck_ here. He feels people need him, and, sometimes, that he needs them in return. He has grown roots in South Park and his dream of freedom may become reality someday, but he will always return. He is attached to this town. He is attached to Craig, the asshole, Kyle, the smartass, Stan, the wuss, Kevin, the life-ruining nerd. Even to Cartman, the Nazi. He likes them, he wants to protect them and make sure they do well in their lives. Maybe they can leave South Park; maybe they will sail the ocean and explore new worlds while he is still here, but he wants to make sure they escape, too, before he does.

He wants to free everyone from their burdens.

Maybe that's the source of his problems.

**xxx**

**Track 07: **Motion City Soundtrack – Feel Like Rain

_We love that game but we never play_

_'cause we will lose and we wanna stay_

_The way we are_

_The way we've been for far too long_

Kevin whines when the road becomes steep.

"We've been walking for _hours_," he pleads. "Let me just go home! I want to play Skyrim!"

"Shut up, we've been walking for like, 10 minutes," Kenny rolls his eyes. "We're almost there."

Kevin complains about his feet all the way to Kenny's hideout. When they get there – a place 15 minutes away after the woods –, Kenny smiles, getting his Marlboro pack, lighting one cigarette. He used to smoke a lot, but he thought it was a dumb (and expensive) habit he could let go of, so he did (with Let's Not Smoke And See How Much I Can Save In One Month); now he smokes only when he feel sexually frustrated. _Yeah_.

"See? Worth the walk, isn't it?"

"No," Kevin sighs. "I'd rather play Skyrim, dude."

"Hey," Kenny hits him in the head. "You ruined my life, remember? It's the least you can do."

Kevin mumbles something and sits down by the edge of a rock. The view is not half bad; they can see almost the entire city from up there and the sky is clear without all the electrical wiring and buildings.

"How'd you find a place like this anyway?"

Kenny shrugs, "Don't remember."

He actually does. Once a gigantic mutant bird nearly killed him at school and flew away, only to drop him by this place. He crawled around to look for help, but ended up on the top of this mountain and it was one time he died from blood loss and didn't really mind. The sunset kept his mind away from the pain somehow and he could think about a lot of things that bothered back then.

"Look," he points to the horizon. "The sun is setting."

Kevin looks, too, and smiles at Kenny. "Who'd guess you're the kind of guy that likes these things."

"I like sunsets," he shrugs. "But I brought you here to talk about yesterday," he smiles, getting his phone out of his pocket, shoving it to Kevin's face, who can't help but grin. "Cute, right?!"

"Damn, you're really getting into this kind of things."

"Whose fault is it," he rolls his eyes. "It was the only thing that made my night worth it, though. Tweek totally rejected me."

"Tweek?" Kevin frowns. "Dude, why would you want Tweek?"

"I don't think you looked hard enough," he shoves his phone on Kevin's face again. "Look how _adorable_ he is! He's too cute, man. Who'd _not_ want him?"

"Okay, right," he waves his hand. "Tweek _is_ cute, but Butters is like, the cutest thing ever. _And_ he follows you around like a lost puppy."

"Hey, don't talk about him like that, he's my friend."

"Stop friendzoning him like that," Kevin accuses. "He's totally head over heels for you."

"What? No way," Kenny does a 'pfft' sound. "He wanted me to be with Tweek."

"Because you probably asked, right," Kevin raises a brow, making a face that makes Kenny feels completely retarded. "Stop being stupid, Kenny. Don't tell me you never noticed how he's all bouncy and happy when you're around," Kenny shakes his head in disbelief. He's about to say something, but Kevin cuts him. "C'mon, you can't be that dumb. You're good at reading people, remember? You're supposed to know what they're thinking and whatever."

"That's exactly why I'm telling you there's no way Butters would like me. He's totally into the caring type of guys, like, uh, Craig. He takes care of Tweek and shit, you know."

"What? Kenny, you take care of _everybody_."

"It's not the same," he shrugs and whispers a _damn_ when he notices his cigarette is half burned. "It's different when you take care of _one_ person. Craig doesn't give a rat's ass about anybody but Tweek. That's the caring type I'm talking about."

"You're making up excuses 'cause just don't want to accept he's in love with you," Kevin points a finger accusingly towards Kenny. "You're afraid to lose the one person that likes you for what you truly are, and knows all your flaws and forgives you for whatever dumb shit you do. You _know_ he'll be there for you at the end of the day. You're scared for your life to even upset him, you said it yourself once, but you're hurting him like this. Choosing Tweek over him? That's cruel, man. Butters is just as cute, even more, and he's all fragile and needs you. You should've talked to me before doing dumb shit, Kenny!"

"But—"

"No, any argument you may present will be wrong, and I'd leave you to sit here with your wrongness and think about how wrong you are, but I don't know my way from here so I'll sit here with you and your wrongness until you admit how wrong you are."

"Kevin, listen," he tries, rubbing his temples. "I don't think you understand. Butters _trusts_ me and that's all. So yeah, he follows me around, so what? I'd follow him around, too, if he had as many people who need him as I do. It's not that I'm bragging, but people trust me, not like him, but they don't have other option except for me. So I have to always be there for everyone, but if it was the other way around, I'd follow Butters to the end of the world if he asked me to. Damn, even if he didn't. I owe him a lot, I like him, he's the most important person in my life. He gives a shit about me, he's nice to me, he's always been, even if I ignored him all the time. He's proven many times that he deserves someone better than me, which is another reason I won't ever lay a finger on him," he sighs, kind of walking around and gesturing. "So let's say he _is_ in love with me right now. What I have the _obligation_ to do is stay away from him. Friendzone him, do cruel shit to him, so he'll find someone who's worth having him. Someone like Stan, who'd never want to hurt him, or Kyle, who's smart and will take him out of here. Or even like you, who's a huge nerd," Kevin kind of protests here. "But has a huge heart. He needs someone with a future, not a piss-poor dumb fuck like me."

Kevin sighs, gesturing Kenny to _calm the fuck down _and sit by his side. When he does, he leans his head on his shoulder and wraps his arm around his shoulder, patting it.

"You're better than you think, Kenny. So much self-loathing will make Butters not like you anymore."

"He doesn't like me," Kenny insists. "Even if he did, that'd be better."

"You are one thick-headed son of a bitch."

Kenny snorts.

He is just half-convinced of what he just said, but he won't tell Kevin.

He might be afraid of screwing up with Butters, too.


End file.
